By Allison Saft
I just want to wipe the whole world down with a Clorox wipe, she said, while considering whether to put on a mask before getting in the elevator. (That was ME yesterday.)
I was a bit of a germaphobe to begin with, I guess that’s putting it mildly. I remember obsessively Purell-ing after my twins were born, trying to ward off all the unknown hazards of the world with the burning alcohol-scented gel. It was futile, I soon learned, once they started munching on Cheerios they discovered on the playground, likely encrusted in Manhattan pigeon-poop and having been handled by other germ-y kids first. With a scream and a wave of an anti-bacterial wipe, I would try to pull the offending object (cheerio) out of my kid’s mouth and pray that they didn’t get the plague. Fast-forward six years...
There IS a plague. An actual one.
Coronavirus is killing people and suddenly all my germ-craziness isn’t enough to prevent the unknown horrors of this virus. And it’s all enshrouded in mystery. How long is it contagious for? How long will we be needing to socially distance, isolate and flatten the curve? When will we not be afraid to purchase groceries let alone touch them? When will masks and mask-shortages become a thing of the past? How many times can I obsessively wash my hands before they are clean? A bazillion? When will my anxiety melt away and we can go to somebody’s house for a party or hang out on the beach or hug our friends, our elderly parents?
The Chicken Nugget Shortage
There are so many things that have occurred to me during this time. If I reflect back to three weeks ago (which feels like eleven months ago), it started with chicken nuggets. I think I was emotionally keeping it together until there were no frozen chicken nuggets in any of the three supermarkets I checked. The fact that this concerned me is all a bit bizarre. I am a trained natural food chef. Typically, I would be making my kids a health-supportive homemade version of chicken tenders and keeping some store bought ones on hand for the kids when we go out on date night. But something about being in an “emergency” pandemic situation made me think, we need chicken nuggets! I guess a lot of people felt this way! Suddenly, many things we took for granted were no longer a possibility. Going to the beach. The pool in our building. (I know these are luxuries, but in Florida they are part of the fabric of our life.) Also, I’m a hugger, I didn’t realize how lost I feel without being able to give and receive them especially when people need them the most.
Fear & Our Invisible Enemy
Then there were moments of fear. Is my sore throat this dreaded virus, beginning to take hold until suddenly I lose my breath. How about my family? Is it real yet for us here? What does real feel like? Is “real” no milk or eggs or bread on the shelves of the supermarket, hoarding toilet paper and Lysol like it’s gold, no school, curfews and close downs, weddings cancelled, doors closed, people afraid of petting dogs. I thought a lady was so nutty when she wouldn’t let my dog near hers a few weeks ago “your Dog might be sick” she said. And I said “nope, she’s just old” and inwardly rolled my eyes but now I’ve started avoiding other dogs. Is this real enough now? I’ve heard this virus situation described as “sparring with a ghost,” which is so resonant because everything looks normal and we can’t see what we’re up against. So we’re socially distancing and masking and cleaning to ward off a deadly and invisible enemy. Insanity.
Homeschooling: Fun?
Speaking of insanity, trying to teach your kids anything from home seems like a Sisyphean task to me. On the homeschooling front, the landscape is littered, both physically and metaphorically, with defeat. If you look at Instagram or Facebook, you can see these exquisite pictures of carefully curated art projects neatly performed by focused, eager little kids. Or kids smiling over their broccoli and rainbow carrots, fresh from the farm, expertly crafted into flower shapes. Or friends whose kids are taking up new languages and instruments now that there’s more time for education. Yay! How fabulous!
In our house, one of my children learned a new set of words the other day while exploring the internet on her computer: “f****ing bulls**t.” She managed to remember this gem which she asked us in a low, guttural voice, feeling like a true rebel “what does bucking bosheet mean?” My husband tried to explain that it was misread and actually the words were “bucking beef strips, a new kind of jerky” and proceeded to try to find a package of them, to no avail, in our newly organized pantry. We’re really crushing it here on the education front! Proud parents!
When they’re not learning their first curse words ever (can’t blame that on the playground at school!), they are watching tremendous amounts of screen time, FaceTiming with friends where they talk about how people die because of coronavirus and how it all started with a bat. A month ago they were only thinking about birthday parties and Jojo Siwa.
Healthy Eating?
In terms of our nutrition, while I used to pride myself on health-supportive food, lately my kids are eating the aforementioned frozen chicken nuggets (my sister found them for us!), pasta and cookies. Oh, and french fries. And cheese doodles. (They’re organic, does that help?) We’ve had a shortage of fresh vegetables here and the work that goes into washing them thoroughly— leaving the supermarket bags outside the apartment, removing the containers and wiping them with clorox wipes and then washing every vegetable...it’s a process. The humble frozen french fry is my savior. I have to admit, salads are a treat these days and my kids are truly appreciating when we have fresh fruit and veggies which is an added perk of eating junk most of the time.
This too shall pass
But, if you are one of those people posting lovely pictures of a well-organized homeschool curriculum, or your latest bounty from your local farm, or that artisanal bread creation your kids baked, KUDOS to you! What a wonderful environment of creativity, love and learning you have fostered! That’s fantastic and I tip my frosting-smeared hat to you! For those of you losing your patience, letting screen-time go haywire and giving up on nutritionally-sound snacks, I’m with you in the trenches so don’t be so hard on yourself. This too shall pass and we’re doing our best by loving our kids and keeping them safe during this pandemic craziness.
The silver lining
The intention of this blog post was originally “silver linings” and I find myself finally circling back to where I wanted to begin. With gratitude. How despite distancing us from the world, this is connecting us more closely with our immediate family. And how, somehow in all of this madness and testing of the bounds of normalcy bias, we are still checking in with loved ones, doing what we can to support each other, and feeling more love and appreciation for what we have.
We took for granted the ability to find ordinary items like food and hand sanitizer on the shelves before. How fast-paced and frenetic our lives were! The drop offs and pick ups, activities, soccer games, work, date nights, parties, weddings.
Slowing down feels so meaningful. I’ve cleaned and reorganized parts of my house, starting with our pantry and moving to the play area with its overgrown collection of toys and books. We’ve watched more Netflix than ever since having kids, I’ve even read all the books that were on my list for ages. Not going out has given us a new perspective on things. While we do feel a bit trapped at times, it makes us relish the bike rides and the game nights and extra snuggle time that we didn’t realize we didn’t have before.
When we went to the beach two weeks ago (before they closed), the joy of seeing my kids splash in the waves, hold hands and walk along the beach was magical. Hearing them cackle during a boisterous game of Uno, build towers, read and nuzzle together while watching a movie is priceless.
The kids are no longer in my womb, but they’re completely connected with me in a way that they weren’t when they were going to school and activities Monday to Friday. And for that, I am supremely grateful.